I Fear Because I Am


I love to read, but sometimes after I read a wonderful novel, I close the cover with a sense of awe. This is when I begin to think about my own story, my own writing and its potential. And I think the words I am sure others have as well even though it is hard sometimes to think so when those unoriginal words ring through my chest, knocking around my ribs until there is a hole there I am not sure I can fill. The statement?

I will never write something as magnificent as that.

After finishing my last book I had been waiting for for over a year, this hit me the hardest than it ever had before. As I type here, I still have it lingering, creating a home for itself inside of the mind I want to expel it from. I want the story to stay. I want to remember each page of beautiful worlds, but it is the question of whether I should these days. If I should revel in it, or kick it out after it causes me to spiral to tears in three out of my five classes throughout the day in both ways good and bad.

Sounds depressing, but gods, that book was fantastic...if only my story could be too. It is a mess and I believe is missing something even though I don't know what it is. No one who I trust enough to let do so and give me advice that consists of more than "oh, that was good." Writing is a solitary thing, but it gets difficult in times like these for me to not throw out the seventh draft I have going and think that maybe this story actually doesn't deserve to get written like I once thought. Not when there are so many other stories that wipe the floor with it before causing the reader to lie there on the floor with it from the wonder of after glow effects that makes them feel both alive and tortured all at once.

And if they are like me and a writer?

I will never write something as magnificent as that.

The other day when this book hangover first took over and manifested itself into my writing, I confided the fear to my one teacher who knew I wrote and also taught a sort of writing class. Without a pause she nodded, "That's how you know you are a writer." I fear that I am not a writer, because I am.

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