Too Slow for the Fast Paced World

Recently the days have been too fast and I have felt far too slow. The world after all has become so obsessed with a pace I would like to keep. Like with most running events however, even when I have a partner (which in this case I don't, unless you count somewhat annoying humming), I end up falling behind.

This feeling of being behind and unhappy with the fact of it all is becoming more and more prevalent this year for some reason. From writing, to planning, to simply living day to day as I grow.



Perhaps this is all because I am going to be two decades old this year and I am not quite as far along as I thought I'd be. Hoped and dreamed I would be, and want to find something to blame it on besides the usual, and most likely antagonist in my life story; me, myself, and I. Because that "life isn't easy" saying...it is true.

Sadly, it is so true.

My dad referred to the idea of the phrase that other day, as a wave of sorts. Like being at the beach where some waves are going to hit us harder than others. And those that hit us really hard, that knock us nearly under, are the waves that we need to take a deep breath for, and know how to ride out. When we do, hopefully above water something great will be there, waiting for when we did conquer that wave, that dream, that goal- Before diving back into life like ocean and do it all over again, hoping that we continue to thrive between the next wave...and the next.

The metaphor is both optimistic and strangely disheartening at the same time.

For I want to enjoy life every day. To "make it count" like Jack Dawson, and "carpe diem" like the Roman poet who decided to coin the phrase. Yes, making it through the rain or waves is an accomplishment, but in this era that is not of the Titanic or BC, do we even have time for that?



Even joy and excitement is in fast production these days. Immediate, like rice and internet when the wifi isn't locking us out. Dreams are even being squandered because of fear that we don't have enough time in all the world, because we are told that we don't.

I tell that I want to travel.
I am told that I will be in school.

I tell that I will travel in the summer.
I am told that I will need to get a summer job to pay.

I tell that I will travel.
I am told that I will need to start a career.

I tell that I...might hope to travel.

I am almost twenty and I know that this wave, this never ending time bending wave, is so sad. That this is life by the book, to have this fear of how I do not have enough time to enjoy life outside of the timeline given for some unknown reason, is how it is.

Unknown at least, until the constant knowledge arrives through social media of how everyone might already be beating me at what I want in life before I even get to it. Have a chance to fight for it.

I wonder how wrong the existentialists really were as I question how far some people may be willing to tear themselves apart to achieve greatness in the eyes of whatever beholder.

The biggest example for me at the moment? Writing. When isn't it writing when tons of others are doing the same? Writing and getting published and finishing novels in a year when I have been struggling over mine for three, and for some reason these days struggling to get any words out at all. It is difficult when I think that matter how much I want to write them I know...I know I am not fast enough. Fast enough to be all of who I am.

Is this a wave? A three year horror filled wave that I am going to fall pray to like the rest of corporate livelihood so many struggle to fall in line with? I really hope not.

Maybe in the end, I do hope that this is all just me, myself and I. And I will find the will to ride each wave with a little more grace, until one day it passes and I can lie down in by a pool with a good book instead of dragging myself day by day to a summer job where all I see are others constantly sprinting for that last minute iced double shot and to get the stain out of black work pants, that have turned into every day pants, before their next double shift.



Comments

  1. I relate to this so much. It's so disheartening to see others doing things you want to do - like travel - only to realise there's so many hurdles we've got to jump over before we get there. BUT we will get there :)

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